


Collectibles Are Fun

by Raziel12



Category: Final Fantasy XIII
Genre: Humor, Humour, everybody should have a plush toy of themselves, l'cie merchandise, plush toys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-01
Updated: 2015-01-29
Packaged: 2018-01-17 18:29:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1398118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raziel12/pseuds/Raziel12
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lightning never should have signed the release form allowing one of Cocoon's largest toy companies to make merchandise of her. But it couldn't be that bad, could it? Seriously, what was the worst that could happen? The answer was staring her right in the face.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Collection 1

**Collection One  
  
** Collectibles Are Fun #1  
  
Lightning never should have signed the release form allowing one of Cocoon’s largest toy companies to make merchandise of her. But it was hard to turn down an ocean of cash. She would never have to work another day in her life unless she wanted, and there would be more than enough to look after Serah for the rest of her life too.  
  
Besides, what was the worst that could happen?  
  
The answer was staring her right in the face.  
  
"I’m Lightning, and I’m a stupid head." Fang waved plush-Lightning’s arms around. "And when I wake up, I look like a crazy hedgehog."  
  
"Fang, could you stop that?" Lightning considered the mug of hot chocolate in her hand. The hot chocolate wasn’t hot enough to scald, and she doubted she could hit Fang more than once or twice with it before it broke.  
  
"I could." Fang grinned and then made the plush-Lightning do a little tap dance across the coffee table. "But this is much more fun. Look, Lightning, you’re doing the Moon Walk."  
  
"I love you, Fang, but I will kill you."  
  
"No, you won’t." The plush-Lightning did a pirouette and then ended up on Fang’s lap. The dark-haired woman gave the plush a cuddle and then planted a kiss on its forehead. "Hmm… this thing is pretty cuddly. I think you might have some competition, Lightning."  
  
Lightning glared. Her jaw clenched. “Competition, huh?” She snatched the plush toy out of Fang’s arms and tossed it across the room. Then she settled herself in Fang’s lap and yanked the woman into a hard kiss. “I don’t play nice with the competition.”  
  
"I can see that?" Fang nuzzled Lightning’s throat. "But then again, I know someone who could tell me that." She leaned back and pulled a plush-Fang from under one of the couch cushions. "See. Plush-Fang knows all about your bad habits."  
  
Lightning eyed the plush toy. It was a pretty good likeness. “Well, I’m not interested in Plush-Fang. I’m interested in real Fang.” She threw the plush toy across the room to land beside its Lightning counterpart. “Now, come back here.”  
  
Neither of them noticed the two petite women watching from the doorway with a pair of plush toys in their arms.  
  
"Isn’t it wonderful?" Plush-Vanille bobbed her head up and down.  
  
"It sure is." Plush-Serah nodded back. "Now, let’s go get something to eat."  
  
X     X     X  
 **  
**Collectibles Are Fun #2  
 __  
"You’re not good enough for my sister, Snow. Nobody is." Lightning cackled and kicked Snow in the gut. The big man flew through the air before rolling through the dust. "And now you’re going to die."  
  
Snow held up his hands. “Wait, Lightning. No -“  
  
"Kung Fu Gut Punch!" Lightning drove her fist into Snow’s gut. The ground at his feet cracked and the shockwave of the blow sent him flying backward. But Lightning wasn’t done yet.  
  
"Kung Fu Crater Kick!" A flying kick caught Snow in the back of the head and he thundered straight into the ground, carving out a huge crater in the dirt.  
  
"And now for the finishing move!" Lightning flipped end over end through the air, her sword drawn. "Kung Fu Death Stab!" The soldier drove her sword right through Snow’s heart, and the blonde let loose a gasp before he went limp.  
  
"Lightning…" Snow clutched at Lightning’s hands. "Why?"  
  
"Why?" Lightning twisted her blade savagely. "Because… I obsess way too much about Serah."  
  
X     X     X  
  
"Snow, what are you doing?"  
  
The blonde looked up and then froze, the Plush-Lightning in his left hand still in the process of mauling the Plush-Snow is his right hand.  
  
"Um… this isn’t what it looks like."  
  
"Really?" Lightning tapped one foot on the ground and raised one eyebrow. "So, tell me, what are you doing?"  
  
"It’s like this…" Snow glanced back and forth between the two plush toys he was holding.   
  
"I… um… you know how I’m always nervous around you because of, you know, all those times you’ve punched me in the head?"  
  
Lightning made a show of cracking her knuckles.  
  
"I thought that since I’m engaged to Serah now that I should try to talk to you more often. I’m… uh… practicing."  
  
"I see." Lightning stalked over and plucked the Plush-Snow out of his hand. Slowly, deliberately, she drew her knife and skimmed it along the throat of the toy. It wasn’t enough to actually do any damage, but Snow paled. "In that case, I think you should be careful what you say. If you ever - ever - accuse me of obsessing about Serah again, you’re going to pay."   
She tapped the flat of her knife between the plush toy’s legs. "Understand?"  
  
Snow gulped. “Yeah.”  
  
"Good." Lightning turned on her heel and then stopped. "Does everyone have a plush toy of me?"  
  
"Pretty much." Snow scratched the back of his head. "Although I think the Fang plush might be more popular than yours. Serah says all the kids at school have one."  
  
"Really?" Lightning twitched. Fang was more popular than her? What was the world coming to? "I’ll see you later, Snow. I’ve got to meet Serah for coffee."  
  
Snow waited until Lightning was safely out of the house before turning back to the plush toys. He picked up Plush-Lightning. “My name is Lightning, and I’m an obsessive, stupid head.”  
  
The Plush-Snow nodded, and real Snow reached into a plastic bag to pull out a newly bought Plush-Serah. The two plush toys embraced. “Don’t worry, Serah. I’ll protect you.”  
  
"I love you, Snow!"  
  
"I love you more, Serah!"  
  
X     X     X  
 **  
**Collectibles Are Fun #3  
  
Serah glanced at the plush toy of her sister on the couch. It was movie night, but her sister and Fang were running late, and  Vanille was helping Hope out with one of his projects. Fortunately, Serah had a spare key. So she was passing the time till the others got there watching television.  
  
But it was hard to ignore the plush likeness of her sister on the couch beside her. It was almost like watching television with her real sister - neither of them spoke much. But there was also a plush toy of her on the couch too. And she couldn’t help but look at the two plush toys sitting so happily next to each other.  
  
"Look at you two." Serah picked up the plush toys, holding the toy of herself in her left hand and the toy of her sister in her right hand. "It reminds me of how things used to be."  
  
"Serah, where were you!" Serah giggled and waved Plush-Lightning around. She’d gotten surprisingly good at imitating her sister over the years. "I was stalking you in my patrol car, and I lost sight of you!"  
  
"But..."  
  
"But nothing!" Plush-Lightning bonked Plush-Serah over the head. "I am your tyrannical older sister, and you’ll do what I tell you to do!"  
  
"Um -"  
  
"I bet you were with that delinquent Snow again, weren’t you?" Plush-Lightning was doing a fine job of throttling Plush-Serah. "You know I don’t like him! You have to spend all of your time with me!"  
  
"But I want to have other friends." Plush-Serah tried to squirm out of Plush-Lightning’s grip.   
  
"And you’re starting to obsess about me too much."  
  
"I’ll show you obsessive!" Plush-Lightning leapt onto Plush-Serah’s back and started to ride her like a chocobo.   
  
"Ah! Help!" Plush-Serah flailed in dramatic fashion. "My sister’s sister complex is getting out of control!"  
Serah giggled - and then realised that she wasn’t the only one giggling.  
  
"I don’t think your sister is the only one with a sister complex." Vanille grinned and plucked the plush toys out of Serah’s hands. "I’d say you obsess about her just as much."  
  
"When did you get here?" Serah looked about furtively. "I didn’t hear the front door open."  
  
"Embarrassed? You should be." Vanille smirked. "I can be quiet when I need to. Besides, I doubt you would have heard anything - you were way too involved in your sister fantasy."  
  
"Vanille, if you tell my sister about this…" Serah cracked her knuckles.   
  
"Don’t worry, I won’t say a thing."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
Of course, Vanille wouldn’t say a thing - she’d filmed the whole thing on her phone. No words were necessary.   
  
X     X     X  
 **  
**Collectibles Are Fun Special #1: Vanille's Super Fun Plush Toy Happy Time… Part 1  
  
 _Plush-Vanille and Plush-Serah pop up from behind the couch._  
  
Plush-Vanille: Welcome to Vanille’s Super Fun Plush Toy Happy Time… Part 1.  
  
Plush-Serah: That’s not a very sensible name.  
  
 _Plush-Vanille punches Plush-Serah in the gut._  
  
Plush-Vanille: Stop questioning me! In case you haven’t noticed, this segment is named after me, which means that I’m in charge.  
 __  
Plush-Vanille continues to bop Plush-Serah over the head until real Serah retaliates by getting real Vanille into a headlock. Somehow, real Vanille manages to keep Plush-Vanille up near the top of the couch.  
  
Plush-Vanille: Today, we’ll be talking about a very important topic: UST, better known as, Unresolved Sexual Tension. UST might sound funny, but believe me, it’s not.  
  
Plush-Serah: In fact, UST can get people hurt.  
 __  
Plush-Fang and Plush-Lightning appear. Vanille is voicing Plush-Fang, and Serah is voicing Plush-Lightning. Both of them are giggling as they make the two plush toys make out.  
  
Plush-Fang: Look at me, I’m Fang, and I spend all my time ogling Lightning.  
  
Plush-Lightning: And I’m Lightning. All I do is make bedroom eyes at Fang and pretend not to notice that she’s checking out my ass.   
  
Plush-Fang: Yeah, that’s right. Why else do you think I walk behind her?  
 __  
Serah uses her free hand to take control of a plush Behemoth King.  
  
Plush-Behemoth King: Rah! I’m a scary monster that will totally slaughter everyone.  
  
Plush-Vanille: Oh no! What will I do? But surely I’ll be okay if someone helps me…  
  
Plush-Fang: I’m totally not paying attention to the ginormous monster that’s about to eat Vanille because the only thing I can see is Lightning’s cleavage.  
  
Plush-Lightning: Who cares about Vanille and the giant monster? I can totally use this opportunity to have crazy combat sex with Fang while Vanille gets mauled.  
  
Plush-Bahamut: Rargh! Prepare to die innocent redhead!  
  
Plush-Bahamut whacks Plush-Vanille over the head.  
  
Plush-Vanille: Yarrgh! I’m being mauled. If only there wasn’t so much UST!  
 __  
The plush toys fall behind the couch as Vanille and Serah dissolve into uncontrollable giggles. On the other side of the couch, Lightning and Fang stare at them like they’ve gone completely insane. Finally, Plush-Vanille and Plush-Serah appear above the couch again.  
  
Plush-Vanille: Remember, kids, UST can kill.  
  
Plush-Serah: Don’t let UST get out of hand. Admit your feelings before your loved ones get mauled by crazy monsters!  
  
X     X     X  
 **  
**Get Your Lightning Farron Plush Toy Today!  
  
Want to get the perfect gift for your child? Then get the exclusive, limited edition Lightning Farron plush toy! Each toy comes with a host of special features:  
  
• A certificate of authenticity, signed by the Lightning Farron  
• A selection of five different outfits  
• A choice of five different plush weapons  
• Each toy speaks when hugged, choosing from a selection of more than fifty different phrases voiced by the Lightning Farron - additional phrases can be unlocked by purchasing other plush toys from the exclusive, limited edition range  
• The Lightning Farron plush toy is machine washable and extremely rugged. There is no environment too tough for this toy! Order today and not only will you receive a 10% discount, you will also receive:  
  
• An exclusive, limited edition transformable Odin plush toy!  
• Detachable cat ears for your Lightning plush toy!  
• An autographed photo of the Lightning Farron holding the plush toy!  
  
Call now and get your Lightning Farron plush toy TODAY!  
  
For further information contact lastdia@newbodhum.net.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I neither own Final Fantasy, nor am I making any money off of this.
> 
> This is what happens when you combine lack of sleep, too much Pepsi Max, and a tumblr account. Each of these little snippets first made an appearance over on my tumblr page (link in my profile), and I decided to post them over here too. I’ve joked on several occasions about the former l’Cie being open to the idea of merchandise, so I thought I’d take that one step further. Naturally, they all buy their own merchandise.
> 
> I also write original fiction. If you like my fanfiction, I’m sure you’ll love my original stuff too. You can find a link to it in my profile. If you like fantasy, give The Last Huntress Series a try. I’ve also recently released my first novel-length original story, Durendal.
> 
> As always, I appreciate feedback. Reviews and comments are welcome.


	2. Collection Two

**Collection Two**

**Collectibles Are Fun #4  
**  
Hope was used to coming off second best in the popularity stakes. After all, he was up against some pretty stiff competition:

• Lightning was pretty much the poster girl of the Guardian Corps. Recruitment was up 50% with an increase of 75% in the number of young women wanting to join. However, the Guardian Corps had yet to introduce pants for their female members –much to Lightning’s disgust (and Fang’s secret delight).  
• Serah was not only cool by association but also because she happened to be a badass schoolteacher who could shoot a bow and swing a sword. She also had the elementary school demographic firmly in hand (along with the teacher-con demographic too… but Hope preferred not to think about that, although it did make him wonder about Snow).  
• Snow was a hit with the ladies: tall, blonde, and built. He was also warm, friendly, and he had the whole “rebel” thing going on. The only reason he wasn’t more popular was because Serah had made it very, very clear that any female fan that got within ten feet of him was liable to end up a pincushion.  
• Fang had the advantage of being highly attractive and exotic - a potent combination. She also had the kind of swagger that made people swoon. It wasn’t a coincidence that Yun fashion had seen something of a revival. Her accent was just the icing on the cake. The fact that Fang had a thing going on with Lightning actually made her more popular – especially with the photographers.  
• Vanille had the exotic thing going on too, but instead of being all sleek, smirking deadliness, she was the cute and bubbly type. She lit up the room when she walked in, and she was a hit with kids, the old folks, and pretty much everybody who met her. She might be a little less popular if people knew what kind of mischief she could get up to, but Vanille was an expert at appearing innocent.  
• Sazh had been a smash hit with the older crowd. The women admired his devotion to his son, and the men admired the fact that he was a certifiable bad ass, even if he didn’t act it most of the time. He also came complete with a cute kid and an equally cute chocobo. Really, it wasn’t fair at all. It wasn’t like Hope got a sidekick (he did have an Eidolon… but as cool as he thought Alexander was, everyone seemed to like Bahamut more).

So Hope had learned to deal with coming off second best in the regular popularity polls that the tabloids ran, but this was too much. The latest line of plush toys had come out, and he’d been hoping for something of an upgrade.

See, Hope had a problem. He might – just maybe – have a bit of a crush on Vanille (well, the crush was really more the size of Cocoon but…). He really, really wanted to ask her out, but he needed to practice first. And what better way to practice than by using plush toys.

"Hi, Vanille." Hope held up Plush-Hope in his right hand.

"Hi, Hope." Plush-Vanille was in his left hand, and he’d raised the pitch of his voice in what he hoped was a decent imitation of Vanille. It wasn’t.

"Um… you look really good in that dress." Plush-Hope patted Plush-Vanille on the back.

"Hope… this is the same dress I always wear." Plush-Vanille giggled. "But I’m glad you like it."

Hope did a bit of giggling himself. He could imagine it now. He’d say something silly, and Vanille would laugh. Then he’d ask her out, and she’d say yes, and then they’d go to a restaurant, have something to eat, and head back to her place… and…

And now the two plush toys were making out. But what made it creepy – and what he’d been hoping they would change – was the fact that Plush-Hope still looked like a kid whereas Plush-Vanille looked like a young woman.

"Come on," Hope said, glaring at the plush version of himself. "Haven’t they noticed that I’ve grown up?"

A snicker came from behind him, and he turned to find Snow grinning at him. “You really should just ask her out, you know.” He picked up the Plush-Vanille and put it back onto the shelf where it slumped over the Plush-Serah. “The real Vanille, that is.”

Hope sighed. “It’s not that simple. And you had it easy. Lightning just punched you in the face. Fang would totally spear me.”

"Nah, she’d only spear you a little bit - nothing fatal."

"Thanks." Hope glanced at the shelf and shuddered. For some reason, it felt like Plush-Fang was glaring at him.

X X X  
 **  
Collectibles Are Fun #5  
**  
It wasn’t everyday that Lightning got to see Odin bonking Bahamut over the head. In fact, it wasn’t something she’d ever seen before. Her Eidolon had pulled the dragon into a headlock and was now doing his level best to noogie Bahamut to death.

"Are they okay?" Lightning winced as Bahamut managed to squirm free only for Odin to drag him back into a headlock. 

"I’m sure they’re just messing around." Fang was picking through the remains of a burnt out transport.

The pilots had managed to get the ship down in one piece before evacuating as it had come under attack from a swarm of monsters. Fortunately, she and Lightning had been close enough to lend a hand. The pilots were safe, but half the transport had been blown up by one of Bahamut’s attacks.

"Right…" Lightning picked a bit of burnt material up off the ground. "What was the transport carrying anyway?"

"I don’t know." Fang stopped and then began to laugh. "Actually, I think I do know. Look." She held up the charred remains of a plush toy.

"Is that…?"

"Yep, it looks like it is. It’s a plush toy of Odin." Fang poked several more piles of burnt plush toys with her spear. "In fact… all the burnt plush toys are plush toys of Odin."  
Lightning now had a sneaking suspicion about why her Eidolon was trying to shove Bahamut’s head into the still smouldering piles of plush toys.

Fang darted into the remaining half of the transport before doubling over in laughter. “You’ve got to have a look in there, Lightning.”

Choosing to ignore the squabbling Eidolons, Lightning joined Fang inside the remaining half of the transport. The contents: box after box of undamaged Bahamut plush toys. In a mysterious “coincidence” Bahamut’s stray attack had only destroyed Odin plush toys.

"Really?" Lightning leapt on top of Odin and pried her Eidolon off the dragon. "You’re doing this over a few boxes of plush toys."

Odin had the decency to look ashamed. Bahamut just gave them the dragon equivalent of a smirk.

"Wipe that smirk off your face, or I’ll have you scrubbing toilets." The smirk vanished. Bahamut wasn’t sure how Lightning would get him to scrub toilets - he was an Eidolon, not a soldier - but he didn’t doubt that she would find a way. And it wasn’t like he could rely on Fang for help - the Yun would gladly throw him under the bus if it meant getting into Lightning’s good books. "I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt, Bahamut. I’m sure this was all a horrible accident."

Bahamut did his best to look contrite before disappearing along with Odin.

"Can you believe those two?" Lightning sighed.

"Yes, I can." Fang snickered and wrapped her arms around Lightning. "Remember how angry you got when my plush toy outsold yours?"

"Fang… do you want to sleep in our bed tonight?"

"Forget I said anything."

Two weeks later, that month’s sales figures came in. Bahamut plush toys had outsold Odin plush toys… by a number roughly equivalent to all the plush toys that had been destroyed in the ruined transport.

Two weeks and one hour later, Bahamut was summoned to the New Bodhum Guardian Corps facility.

Two weeks, one hour and five minutes later, Bahamut was scrubbing toilets.

X X X  
 **  
Collectibles Are Fun #6  
**  
It might have had something to do with the extra glasses of wine she’d had after dinner, but the plush toy on the coffee table was suddenly the most interesting thing in the world to Lightning. She picked it up and giggled. Her sister looked silly.

"Look at me," Lightning said, waving Plush-Serah around. "I’m Serah Farron and I dress like a school girl." She snickered. "That’s why Snow likes me – he has a schoolgirl fetish."

"In case you’ve forgotten, Lightning, I was eighteen at the time." Serah slid onto the couch beside her sister and took the plush toy away before Lightning could come up with anything else to say. "And Snow doesn’t have a schoolgirl fetish."

"Does he have some other kind of fetish then?" Lightning peered up at Serah. "Because I’m not going to let you marry a pervert, Serah."

"Oh, really? You think Snow is a pervert?" Serah nodded at the Plush-Lightnings on the shelf nearby – there were twelve of them there, a complete set. "Because your girlfriend owns every plush toy of you in existence, along with all of their alternate outfits and weapons."

"That’s not perverted." Lightning sat up. Well, it did sound a little perverted, but she thought it was sweet. "Fang just happens to like collecting plush toys of me."

"Okay, maybe perverted was the wrong word." Serah grinned. "Creepy is probably a better description."

"It’s not creepy – it’s sweet." Lightning tackled Serah, pinning her to the couch. "You’re just jealous that Snow doesn’t own every plush toy of you." Lightning tilted her head to one side. "But Vanille does…"

"…" Serah froze. She hadn’t thought about that. "Uh…"

Lightning yawned, suddenly sleepy. It wasn’t every night that she got to have dinner with Serah. But Snow was away on an expedition and so were Fang and Vanille, so Serah was staying at her house again. She blinked blearily. It had to be the wine – that was the only way she could explain what came out of her mouth next. “Are you and Vanille having secret sex?”

"What?" Serah shoved Lightning off her.

Lightning thudded onto the ground and reached for the plush toys on the shelf. She grabbed one of Serah and one of Vanille. “Do I really have to explain?” She shoved the two plush toys together and made kissing noises. “Are you and Vanille having secret sex?” She paused, adjusting the position of the plush toys. Serah should be the one on top. “Or maybe you do it likes this…” She turned the plush toy of Serah upside down. “Sometimes Fang and I –”

"Please stop talking!" Serah covered her ears with her hands. "Lightning, you’ve had too much to drink. Come on, let’s get you up to bed."

It took Serah quite a bit of effort to get her sister up into bed, but even then Lightning would not relinquish her hold on the plush toys - nor would she stop making suggestions about the nature of Vanille and Serah’s relationship. When Serah finally got Lightning into bed, her older sister promptly pulled her in as well and refused to let go of her.

Great, she’d almost forgotten how clingy her sister was in bed.

And that was how Fang and Vanille found them – Lightning wrapped around Serah with Plush-Vanille and Plush-Serah wrapped around each other too.

"Um…" Serah blinked blearily up at Fang and Vanille as Lightning – who was still asleep – tightened her grip. "This isn’t what it looks like."

"Serah… Vanille…" Lightning mumbled. "No… not on the coffee table. I eat off that."  
Fang’s eyes widened, and Vanille giggled.

"I’m not even going to ask." Fang tried – and failed – to hold back her laughter. "But I really need to take a picture."

X X X  
 **  
The Next Generation In Plush Toy Technology  
**  
Welcome to the future.

For decades, plush toys have been stuck in the past. Today, at Dia Industries, we are proud to welcome all of you to the future – the future of plush toy technology.

Starting with our latest Lightning Farron plush toy, each of our plush toys will incorporate a number of revolutionary, next-generation features:

• Unmatched interactivity. Each next-generation plush toy contains an advanced processor capable of storing hundreds of different phrases. Our advanced processors are also capable of recognising each other, allowing the plush toys in your collection to modify their speech based on which plush toys you own. Do you own a Fang and a Lightning? You can look forward to teasing, flirting, and witty banter.  
• Unparalleled expressiveness. Our next-generation plush toys have the ability to alter their expressions based on your behaviour and their surroundings. Tired of the same, boring expressions? Then poke your Lightning plush toy in the stomach – it will give you an authentic Lightning scowl. Want to put a smile on your Fang plush toy’s face? Then put it next to your Lightning plush toy on the shelf.  
• Unbelievable ruggedness. You’ll never have to worry about breaking one of our next-generation plush toys. Each toy is made of materials specially designed to withstand burning, electrocution, freezing, chemical attack, stabbing, slicing, and explosions. Nothing short of an angry Eidolon has the firepower to take down one of our toys!  
• Unrivalled upgradability. All of our next-generation plush toys are designed to receive upgrades to their software via our company’s website. You can look forward to bigger vocabularies, more complex behaviour, and more authentic expressions.  
• Unbeatable combat ability. Worried about your kids? Well, worry no more. Our next-generation plush toys are combat ready! Simply set them to ‘protect’ using the parental lock codes provided with each toy, and our toys will fight to the death to protect your children. For extra security, you can also purchase some of our scaled-down, advanced weaponry – we have everything from miniature (but deadly) gun blades to tiny (but effective) spears.

Stop living in the past. Live in the future. Buy one of our plush toys today.

X X X  
 **  
Product Recall Notice: Sergeant Lightning Farron Model #250-X  
**  
It has recently come to our attention that our Sergeant Lightning Farron plush toy (Model #250-X) may be defective. In the interests of customer safety, we are issuing a product recall notice. A free product repair service will be made available to all owners. Until you have had your toy repaired, please be aware of the following defects:

• Due to a programming error, the Lightning toy may become overaggressive. Several owners have actually reported being assaulted by their toy. If this occurs, do not panic. As a plush toy, the toy lacks the capacity to inflict serious injury. Simply pick up the toy and put it in a strong, closed container (e.g., a box). Under no circumstances should you allow the toy to gain access to our specially designed brand of weaponry. Although the weapons sold with our plush toys are carefully calibrated to minimise the risk of permanent injury, we cannot guarantee that the toy will not upgrade them. Do not allow the toy access to knives, forks, or any other objects that can be used to stab, slash, hack, or otherwise inflict injury.  
• Due to another programming error, the Lightning toy may develop a predilection for foul language. Under no circumstances, should the toy be left alone with young children. Not only is it likely to glare and threaten them (see #1 above) but it is also likely to curse at them using at least fifteen different swear words and phrases. Do not gag the Lightning toy, as this will only provoke a hostile physical response.  
• Due to another tiny programming error, the Lightning toy may develop overprotective tendencies. If this occurs, the toy will begin referring to an individual as its “sister” before attempting to drive away everyone else. Do not attempt to separate the Lightning toy from its chosen individual. Attempting to do this will result in the Lightning toy entering “Army of One” mode. This is a very, very bad thing. And Dia Industries hereby accepts no responsibility or liability for any injuries, property damage, or deaths that may result (note: reading this product recall notice constitutes agreement to these terms).  
• Due to a manufacturing error, one in ten Lightning toys is not composed of the standard materials. These toys are instead composed an exotic metal-ceramic-crystal compound that is impervious to virtually all forms of chemical, physical, and energy attack. If your Lightning toy is defective in this manner, please return it immediately to one of our licensed suppliers. Do not get it angry. And do not lend any credence to the rumours of these defective toys being prototype military models. We do not make weapons. We make toys.

Here at Dia Industries, we take your safety seriously. If you have any further questions or problems, or if your toy begins to show signs of homicidal rage, please contact us either via email or through the hotline number provided below.

1800-SAVE-US-NOW.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I neither own Final Fantasy, nor am I making any money off of this.
> 
> Here is the second installment of vignettes. All of these appear on my tumblr first before I gather a few of them up and post here. As you can see, things over in plush-toy land have taken an awkward turn. In typical fashion, Dia Industry’s attempt to conquer the toy market has led to a few mistakes… like killer plush toys. But that’s the fun part, isn’t it? Hehehehe.
> 
> Buy a piece of the future – buy a killer Lightning plushy toy today!
> 
> I also write original fiction. If you like my fanfiction, I’m sure you’ll love my original stuff too. You can find links to it in my profile. If you like fantasy, give The Last Huntress Series a try. I’ve also recently released my first novel-length original story, Durendal. And this Sunday 27th April (Pacific Standard Time), The Last Huntress will be available for free on Amazon. Check it out! You can find a link to it in my profile, and I’ll post a bigger, more obvious link on the day.
> 
> As always, I appreciate feedback. Reviews and comments are welcome.


	3. Collection Three

**Collection 3**

**Collectibles Are Fun #7  
**  
Fang slipped out of bed for a midnight snack. It wasn’t something she did often, but she felt that she’d earned it tonight. Keeping Lightning happy was very tiring, but it was also very enjoyable – for both of them.

As quietly at she could, Fang padded along the corridor and down the stairs. Then she turned and walked into the living room. She almost tripped when she bumped into the coffee table, but she managed to regain her balance. What she didn’t notice was the Lightning plush toy that fell to the ground.

The plush toy lay there, still and quiet. As Fang got to the kitchen, the toy’s eyes flashed blue, and it got to its feet. Then it grabbed its specially made gun-blade and crept into the kitchen after the woman. It had a mission to perform.

Fang grabbed a bowl and headed over to the fridge. Ice cream wasn’t the most nutritious thing in the world, but it was one of the tastiest things. And there was nothing better to eat in the middle of the night than strawberry ice cream. She had just opened the fridge and reached for the ice cream when something bumped into her leg.

She looked down.

"Uh… what?"

It was the Lightning plush toy. Its eyes gleamed blue in the darkness, casting a faint glow over the kitchen. Its features were drawn up into a ferocious scowl.

"Oh, it’s just you. What, did I wake you up or something?" Fang grinned. She wasn’t grinning for very long.

The plush toy shifted its gaze to the tub of ice cream in Fang’s hand. It lifted its gun-blade.

"Hey, you’ve got a gun-blade. That’s so cute –a"

There was a quiet zapping sound as the plush toy opened fire. Fang stared from the weapon to the ice cream container. A small hole had been burned right through it. What the heck? Did that thing’s laser actually work? It really looked like it did. Maker, who was building these things?

"Put it down!" The plush toy spoke the words in a perfect imitation of Lightning’s voice. 

"Now!"

Fang was so well-conditioned to obey Lightning that she had the ice cream back in the fridge before she’d even realised what she’d done. It took her a full five seconds to understand that she’d just been bossed around by a plush toy of her girlfriend. But by then the plush toy was walking back into the living room. Unbeknownst to Fang, several lines of text flashed across its vision, called up from the depths of its processors.

PRIORITY COMMAND: PROTECT ICE CREAM.

COMMAND EXECUTED. 

ICE CREAM PROTECTED.

ENTERING SLEEPING MODE.

SECONDARY COMMANDS: CONTINUE PASSIVE SURVEILLANCE OF LIVING ROOM AND KITCHEN; PROTECT ICE CREAM; RECHARGE LASER.

X X X  
 **  
**Collectibles Are Fun #8  
  
Caius Ballad despised Lightning Farron with every fibre of his being. Time and again, the pink-haired soldier had stood in the way of his plans. But not today. No, at long last, he had finally concocted a plan so fiendishly brilliant that not even Lightning and her little gang of l’Cie would be able to stop him. He would win, and they would all die in horrible, soul-destroying agony.

Then he and Yeul would be free to live their lives in married bliss in a small cottage next to a beach somewhere. Yes, he could see it now: Yeul greeting him at the door in nothing more than an apron and a smile before she asked him if he wanted dinner, a bath, or her. He almost giggled at the thought - almost. But Caius was a badass, and badasses didn’t giggle. Ever.

What he wasn’t expecting upon his return to the home that he and Yeul shared so that he could tell her all about his maniacal plan was for his beloved to have a plush toy. And not just any plush toy. It was a plush toy of his mortal enemy.

"Why do you have that?" It was a plush toy of Lightning complete with a gun-blade and a cape.

"Oh, isn’t she adorable?" Yeul giggled and hugged the toy to her chest, which left Caius feeling strangely envious. "I ordered her a while ago, but she only just came in the mail today."

They got mail now? That was utterly insane, but Caius didn’t even bother to question how it worked. The Maker hadn’t exactly put a lot of thought into things when he’d made the world. After all, this was the same person who’d made Etro in the image of his mother and then blamed her for it. 

"And…?"

"She’s great!" Yeul gave the toy another squeeze, and the thing actually glared at her - it glared! But instead of being put off, Yeul just giggled again and hugged it even harder, prompting a slight softening in the toy’s expression. "Look, it even talks." She smiled at the toy. "Hi, Lightning."

The plush toy folded its arms over its chest and turned away. “Leave me alone.” Maker, Caius thought, it was an almost perfect imitation of Etro’s chosen. “Come on, Caius, say something to her.” Yeul held the doll up. “It’ll be fun.”

"I suppose I could say something." Caius frowned and leaned closer to the toy. "Lightning, you need to find a ditch to die in."

"And you’re a jerk." The toy glared back and then jabbed him in the eye with its gun-blade.  
Caius dropped to the ground and clutched at his face. “Argh! It poked me in the eye!”

But instead of helping him, Yeul continued to coo over how wonderful her toy was and how cute it was for trying to get along with Caius - as if poking him in the eye was getting along! When he finally managed to get to his feet, Caius finally noticed that the toy wasn’t alone. There were several more of the blasted solider, all with different outfits.

"Oh, you finally noticed? Dia Industries was having a sale, and you get 50% off postage if you order four or more… so…" Yeul shrugged. "I bought some more."

Caius clenched his jaw and the glared. The small army of Lightning plush toys glared back. Lightning would pay for this. She would pay very, very dearly. 

X X X  
 **  
**Collectibles Are Fun #9  
  
For as long as she could remember, Fang had been doing what Vanille wanted. It wasn’t her fault. She loved her little sister, and Vanille had the most adorable pout. Most of the time, it was harmless. Sure, she might do a few of Vanille’s chores around the house and carry some of her bags when she went shopping, but that was okay, wasn’t it?

Not according to Lightning.

The pink-haired woman wanted Fang to put her foot down, which was ironic since Lightning was basically Serah’s minion. Still, Lightning did have a point. Vanille had been abusing the whole “cute and helpless little sister” thing a bit too much lately. So Fang knew that she needed to do something, but what? All it took was one pout for her to fold like a paper bag.  
That was when Fang had her epiphany. And what an epiphany it was.

"Fang," Vanille whined as the redhead waved at the dishes by the sink. "Can you help me do the dishes?"

"No." Fang shook her head. "I did them for you the last time it was your turn. You need to make sure you do your fair share of the chores."

"But my arms are tired, and the dishes are heavy." Vanille pouted, and Fang forced herself to look away. That damn thing should be considered a lethal weapon. "Please, Fang. Please." Even without looking, Fang could feel the power of the pout. 

"No." Fang grit her teeth and held up the plush toy she’d brought with her. It was one of Lightning, and the toy’s expression was set into a severe frown. "You have to do it."

"But -"

"Back to work, slacker!" The plush toy waved its limited edition, miniature taser around and glared at Vanille.

"What?" Vanille stared at the toy as Fang put it down on the counter behind her. "What are you doing?"

"I’ve asked the toy to watch you and make sure you do the dishes." Fang took a deep breath and then ran for the door of the kitchen. "Have fun." If she couldn’t keep Vanille in line, she’d just have to let the toy do it for her.

"Hah." Vanille scoffed. "As if a little toy is going to stop me." She snickered. She could just sneak into the living room, leaving the dishes for someone else to do. Heh. But she got all of one step before the toy cut her off.

Zap.

"Ouch! Damn it!" Vanille rubbed her arm. Had that thing just electrocuted her.

"Finish the dishes. Now." The plush-Lightning glared and brandished its taser again. "Now!"

"Hey!" Vanille scowled. "I’ll have you know that I created -"

Zap.

"You can’t just -"

Zap.

"I’m -"

Zap. Zap. Zap.

"Fine!" Vanille threw her hands up in the air as the toy began to pace the counter behind her. Stupid thing. "That’s what I get for not leaving in the master control code." She made a mental note to update that in the next patch. All the toys should answer to her.

Vanille was so caught up in washing the dishes that she never noticed the real Lightning watching from the kitchen door.

"Hmm…" Lightning rubbed her chin. Maybe she could try the same thing with Serah.

Two days later she did. The result was very different. She came back to find the Lightning plush toy helping the other woman wash the dishes. Apparently all Lightnings, real and plush, were absolutely helpless against Serah’s little sister powers. 

X X X  
 **  
**A Special News Bulletin – Plush Toys Run Rampant In New Bodhum  
  
Shortly after 5:00 AM Tuesday morning, an explosion occurred at the Dia Industries factory on the outskirts of New Bodhum. The factory, best known for producing several popular models of plush toy, was badly damaged. However, worse was still to come.

Emergency services arrived at the scene to find upward of one hundred plush toys on the rampage. The plush toys had already destroyed the central administration building and cut off all communications channels. The plush toys were in the process of laying siege to the employee cafeteria when a squad of Guardian Corps officers arrived.

The squad’s attempts to free the employees were repelled by the plush toys. According to initial reports, the toys were armed with advanced, military-grade weaponry. Although no serious injuries were sustained, several members of the squad have been hospitalised with minor bruising, burns, and shock. Attempts were then made to negotiate with the errant toys, but after the negotiator was taken hostage, several additional squads of Guardian Corps were called in.

Captain Lightning Farron took charge of the rescue efforts, and she immediately launched a daring assault on the plush toys’ position. The toys were driven away from the cafeteria and toward the ruins of the factory, allowing the Guardian Corps to rescue the negotiator and employees.

It took a further three hours of battle, and the use of high-powered explosives, to subdue the remaining toys. However, the leader of the rebellion - said to be an unknown model of Lightning Farron plush toy - managed to evade capture, along with at least one Oerba Yun Fang plush toy.

Under no circumstances should you attempt to approach these plush toys. The Lightning Farron plush toy has several distinguish features:

• It wears a black outfit  
• It may claim to be the ‘saviour” and that it will “help create a new world”  
• It may attempt to steal or otherwise acquire a Serah Farron plush toy 

If you see this, or any of the other escaped plush toys, contact the Guardian Corps immediately. Do not attempt to interact with it in any way. 

At present, Dia Industries has declined to provide detailed comments regarding this incident. However company chairwoman Oerba Dia Vanille has claimed that the incident is clearly the work of jealous competitors and that her company has absolutely no involvement with the manufacturing of advanced weaponry.

However, sources within the Guardian Corps claim that Captain Farron holds Ms Dia personally responsible and that she will be pushing for Ms Dia’s arrest.

X X X  
 **  
**Collectibles Are Fun #10  
  
"Ma’am, I’m not sure this is a good idea."

Vanille waved one hand at her insolent lackey. They weren’t being paid to think. They were being paid to do what they were told. Honestly, why did people have to question her all the time? Just because the plush toys had rebelled once didn’t mean they would rebel again. “I know what I’m doing. Just flick the switch already.”

"Uh, I guess… ma’am."

Her lackey flicked the switch, and she waited with bated breath for her newest creation to awaken. This time everything would go exactly as she had planned it. After all, she was a genius. What could go wrong?

The pool of shimmering liquid metal in front of her twitched.

"Increase the power and bring the nano-processors online."

The machines behind her gave an ominous rumble, and her lackeys covered their eyes as the liquid metal glowed even brighter. She cackled. It was all going to plan.

The liquid metal was her latest invention: an exotic alloy that was practically indestructible and capable of assuming almost any form. To control it, she’d abandoned her usual micro-processor approach in favour of imbedding billions of nano-processors in the metal. Individually, the processors weren’t capable of much - but together they provided more than enough processing power to control the liquid metal and run a host of additional functions.

"Initiate shaping program: Grumpy Sergeant."

Her lackeys leapt into action, broadcasting an intricate series of complex signals into the liquid metal and its nano-processors. The metal quivered and then assumed the form of a miniature Sergeant Lightning Farron. 

Excellent.

"Turn on the colours, gentlemen."

Another set of signals reached the nano-processors, and the silvery surface of the metal changed, taking on the exact colours of the real Lightning Farron.

"Perfect." Vanille wandered over to the toy, inspecting it for any flaws and finding none. "Initiate toy protocol: Fluffy Bunny."

One of the lackeys flicked a switch, and the liquid metal shivered. Vanille reached out and ran one finger along the metal, marvelling at how soft and fluffy it felt. Excellent, her theory had been right. With the right instructions, it was possible to simulate a perfectly soft, fluffy plush toy using liquid metal. But was it still as durable as it should be?

Vanille took a step back, grabbed the assault rifle she kept on her desk and opened fire. The bullets slammed into the toy and then dropped to the ground. Despite its apparent softness, the toy was completely unharmed.

This time, Vanille couldn’t stop herself from cackling.

"Mwahahahahaha!" Vanille put her hands on her hips. Now for the fun part. "Initiate weapons protocol: Pointy Death!"

"Uh… ma’am…" One of her lackeys raised his hand. "I’m not trying to be rude or anything, but do we really have to include this protocol? I mean, this is supposed to be a toy and –a"

"Initiate. The. Protocol."

He gulped. “Yes, ma’am.”

One of the toy Lightning’s arms twitched and then transformed into a wicked looking blade. Just to make it sure it wasn’t for show, Vanille grabbed a carrot off her desk and ran it down the edge of the blade. It was sliced cleanly in two.

"Stop protocol."

The arm returned to its normal shape.

"Run through the other weapons protocols."

One by one, the lackeys put the toy through its paces, transforming its limbs into knives, saws, hammers, and a host of other tools. Vanille threw her head back and cackled some more. This toy was perfect. Not only was it indestructible and capable of being soft and fluffy but it could also transform into all sorts of useful stuff. Who needed a Swiss army knife when they could get a liquid metal plush Lightning that could do all those things too? She was going to be so, so rich.

"All right, guys. Good stuff. It works exactly as I planned." Vanille folded her arms over her chest. "I am a genius."

"What’s its designation, ma’am?"

"How about… Model # T-1000." Vanille grinned. "Yes, we’ll use that. Now, shut everything down. We’re going out to celebrate!"

X X X

Hours had passed since the initial testing of the T-1000, so the toy was alone. But had someone been there, they might have been concerned by the blue glow coming from the toy’s eyes.

It glared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I neither own Final Fantasy, nor am I making any money off of this.
> 
> Here is the third set of vignettes. The killer plush toys from the previous collection appear to have been subdued, but of course that’s only a prelude to the creation of the real ultimate killing machine… ahem… toy (yes, its designation is a nod at the infamous liquid metal terminator from Terminator 2). Naturally, everything is Vanille’s fault.
> 
> I also write original fiction, mostly fantasy. If you want to read something humorous, give _Two Necromancers, a Bureaucrat, and an Elf_ a shot. You won’t regret it. If you’re in the mood for something more serious, try _The Last Huntress_. You can find a link to my original fiction in my profile.
> 
> As always, I appreciate feedback. Reviews and comments are welcome.


	4. Collection Four

**Collection Four**

**Collectible Are Fun: Super Ultra Special Edition #1… The Vestige  
** _  
The war against the fal’Cie continues. Desperate to secure further funding, the Eidolon Program has formed links with powerful corporations and the criminal underworld. However, even these sources of funds have proven insufficient to sustain the war effort._

_As commander of one of the world’s most important Arks, Marshal Claire “Lightning” Farron has led the search for alternative sources of funding. Her alliance with Shinra has resulted in billions of additional gil for the Eidolon Program – money that has been spent repairing and improving the massive war machines under her command._

_Now, with another funding crisis looming, she has authorised her finest scientists and researchers to take whatever steps they deem necessary to solve the problem._

_She wishes she hadn’t._

X X X

Lightning hobbled down the corridor toward the mess hall, her cane beating out a harsh rhythm on the floor. Whatever measures Dr Dia and Dr Katzroy had enacted must have paid off – funding was up more than 200% over the previous month. That much extra money would be more than enough to fund the repairs to the Eidolons that had been damaged during the last conflict and pay for improvements to Bahamut’s claws and Spira’s cannons. 

However, her good mood faded the moment she stepped into the mess hall and saw the cute and cuddly things staring back at her. A low growl left her throat, and silence fell over the mess hall. Some of the more enterprising members of her staff even tried to hide what they’d bought. But it was too late. She’d seen, and she wasn’t happy.

This wasn’t Sazh’s doing. Oh no, there was only one person who’d come up with an idea like this to make money…

“Does anyone know where Dr Dia is?” Lightning asked. Her voice had taken on a razor’s edge. “Well?”

“Uh…” One of the techs nearby scratched the back of his head. “I… uh… I think she’s in her lab, ma’am.”

 

“Thank you.” Lightning turned and began the walk to Vanille’s lab. “Carry on.”

X X X

Vanille was skipping back to her lab after spending some time hanging out with Serah when she saw the marshal walking toward her. She froze. Lightning did not look happy. But wait – Lightning couldn’t run. She could still escape!

Vanille turned and made a break for it.

“Stop right there, Dr Dia!” Lightning bellowed.

“I’m sorry!” Vanille shouted back. “I have a meeting, ma’am.”

Lightning snarled. “You there!” The words were aimed at one of the mechanics walking down the corridor toward Vanille. “Stop her! That’s an order!”

Vanille tried to dodge – she really did – but the mechanic only had to take one look at Lightning’s face to know that failure was not an option. In no time at all, she found herself carried back to her lab and dumped into a chair before the mechanic made a break for it.

“Now, marshal,” Vanille began. “Remember, you can’t kill me. Murder is a crime.”

Lightning glared. “I’m too important to the Eidolon Program. I could kill you and they’d let me walk.”

Vanille gulped. The scary thing was that was probably true. “Uh… well, Serah would be really mad at you if I died because, you know, you strangled me.”

Lightning glared some more and then settled down into a chair. “Dr Dia, when I asked you to make money for the program, what made you think that plush toys were the answer to our problems?”

Vanille grabbed a notebook and did her best to hide behind it. Fang was always dropping by her lab. Why wasn’t she there now? Even with a bad leg, the marshal could still murder her, but Fang would be able to fight her off. “Um… you did sign a release form authorising the use of your image.”

“I assumed it would be for trading cards or something innocuous like that. Not plush toys.”

“Well, you know what happens when you assume –”

“Finish that sentence and I will kill you.”

Vanille wisely chose to change the subject. Instead, she dug through one of her cabinets and produced the toy that had likely earned Lightning’s ire. It was a plush Marshal Farron, complete with a cane and eye patch. “Look, it’s just a toy, ma’am. I don’t see why you’re so upset.”

“I have an eye patch, Vanille. Why do I have an eyepatch?”

“Well, we did some product testing, and the kids thought you looked cooler with an eyepatch.” Vanille smiled sunnily. “They said it matches your cane.”

Lightning did not smile sunnily back.

“And it’s not like it’s just a plush toy. It’s the latest in plush toy technology.” Vanille set the toy down on a table. “Watch. Active protocol: tyrannical marshal.”

“Tyrannical marshal?” Lightning’s eye was twitching so hard that Vanille wondered if she should call Dr Estheim. Nora should know if the marshal was about to have a seizure.

“Uh… don’t worry about that.”

The toy got to its feet and quickly began to hobble from one side to the other, its single eye glaring ferociously at everything. Then it began to talk.

“Get back to work you slackers!” Toy-Lightning said. “These Eidolons won’t repair themselves! Work smarter and harder!”

And that wasn’t all.

“Death to the fal’Cie!” Toy-Lightning screamed, waving her cane around. “Crush the enemies of humanity!”

“Vanille turn off the toy.” Lightning stood up. 

“Please don’t kill me!” Vanille held up her hands. “You have to know how much money it made, and we’re projecting triple that amount next month!”

That gave Lightning pause. “Are you serious? These things are making that much money?”

Vanille breathed a sigh of relief. “Yes, ma’am. And your model is one of the most popular ones. Everybody wants to own the Marshal Farron. I mean you’re a legend and everything.” Vanille walked over to a cabinet and opened it, revealing a whole range of toys. “But we’ve got ones for all the pilots at the base and their Eidolons.”

Lightning walked over and picked up a plush Odin. Despite the distortion that turning the mighty war machine into a plush toy had caused, there was no doubting that it was him. She’d recognise his armour anywhere. Beside it were two other plush toys: her and Serah, as they’d been during her piloting days.

“Oh, that one?” Vanille grinned. “Those are really popular too.” She poked them. “They even have compatibility features, so they act different if you’ve got them both.”

“Let’s go, Lightning!” Toy-Serah said.

“Follow my lead, Serah,” Toy-Lightning replied.

“I suppose,” Lightning ground out. “I can live with it. We really need the funding.”

Just then the door of Vanille’s lab opened. It was Fang, and she was so caught up with the plush toys she was carrying that she never even noticed that Lightning was there. 

“Hey, Vanille,” Fang said, poking and prodding the plush toys she was carrying – plush toys of Lightning in her pilot outfit and Fang in her pilot outfit. “Do you think you could add a compatibility feature for these two – crap!” She screeched to a halt as she noticed Lightning.

Lightning raised one eyebrow. “Captain. I see you’ve bought some plush toys.”

“Okay.” Fang winced. “I know how this looks. I just wanted to support the program and –”

“A compatibility feature between your toy and mine?”

This time, Fang actually blushed. “It’s just… I’ve piloted with your sister and that was great, but I kept thinking… it would have been even better if I’d been piloting with you.”

“I see.” Lightning walked toward the door of the lab. “We will speak about this again, Dr Dia.” She paused and looked over her shoulder. “Oh, and make sure you add the compatibility feature that Captain Yun wants.”

X X X  
 **  
Collectibles Are Fun: Super Ultra Special Edition #2… Kingdom Hearts  
**  
The Heartless were an inter-dimensional plague, striding from one world to the next, leaving nothing but devastation and ruin in their wake. What made them so deadly was their origin: they were born from the darkness in people’s hearts, created from a heart being consumed by darkness. Thus their numbers grew with every world they conquered as the heroes that fought against them fell and rose again as one of the Heartless.

But there was one world the Heartless could not conquer. True, this world had hearts – and plenty of them – but it was defended by beings that had no hearts, that were truly heartless, and thus could never be corrupted by the darkness.

X X X

Once upon a time, plush toys had been toys. They had served their creators well, offering comfort and friendship to little children and the occasional adult. But the arrival of the Heartless had changed everything. The humans had been ill suited for fighting the invaders. Their hearts left them vulnerable to corruption. But the plush toys had no hearts. And so their creator had given them a new purpose – destroy the Heartless.

So plush toys had been turned from objects of comfort into engines of unparalleled destructive power. Millions of them had been manufactured and distributed throughout the world, serving as the sword and shield of mankind. Although there were dozens of different models available, all shared several key characteristics:

• Bodies that were virtually impervious to any known form of physical, chemical, magical, and energy-based attack.  
• Powerful self-repair mechanisms that operated on a nano-molecular level. If even a tenth of a plush toy’s body remained intact, it would eventually repair itself completely, given sufficient time and energy.  
• Highly advanced energy sources, including miniature anti-matter reactors and hyper-dimensional quantum reactors.  
• Spatial and temporal manipulation technology allowing for flight, teleportation, and dimensional travel.  
• Advanced nano-processors capable of continued self-improvement and guided evolution. Even the most rudimentary models of plush toy currently in service featured greater processing power than the most powerful supercomputers created prior to the advent of the Heartless.

But despite all of the changes that had occurred, the plush toys still retained their cute and cuddly appearance. Their creator had wisely foreseen that humanity would grow to fear them if they took on a more menacing appearance. By staying cute and cuddly, the plush toys retained their appeal, even as they first drove the Heartless from Gran Pulse and then began the long, bloody crusade to liberate the rest of the multiverse.

X X X

The commander of this army of plush toys was General Lightning Farron Model #T-99999, Serial Number LFLRE-104001-OBYFA.

Its forces had managed to secure a portal into yet another world and were busy driving the Heartless scum back under a tempest of reality-shredding, magic-obliterating firepower. The general spotted a group of Heartless trying to flank its position and glared. Nobody flanked it.  
It extended one arm. World-cracking magic gathered around its fingers and then lanced outward in a blinding display of might. The ground ripped and tore. The air shattered. The Heartless died. Walking over the devastation it had unleashed, the plush toy stopped. One of the Heartless had survived. Impressive.

The general took a moment to scan the Heartless with its advanced sensors, taking note of the modifications the Heartless had made to try to adapt and immediately devised counter-modifications that it passed onto the rest of its troops through a quantum-relay system. Then it summoned its gun blade – a tribute to the real Lightning Farron - and drove the weapon through the Heartless’s head. 

“Wow… these things are scary.”

The general turned and then hopped onto the shoulder of Yuffie Kisaragi. The plush toy had always found the deviations from one dimension to another fascinating. In its home dimension, Yuffie Kisaragi was one of the best friends of Diana Yun-Farron. However, this particular Yuffie Kisaragi came from the world that they were currently fighting to liberate. She had been, at one point, princess of a kingdom called Wutai.

Despite her origins, however, this Yuffie Kisaragi bore many similarities to the Yuffie Kisaragi of the toy’s home dimension. It made the plush toy wonder if there were other versions of its creator out there, perhaps even other plush toys. It shook its head. Now was not the time to consider such things, and the thought of there being another Oerba Dia Vanille was terrifying, even to a plush toy.

“The Heartless are on the retreat,” the general said. “Your orders?”

“Uh…” Yuffie shrugged. “Keep doing what you’re doing, I guess.” When she and the rest of AVALANCHE had fled to different worlds looking for help, she’d never imagined that they’d find anybody who could help them, or that help would arrive in the form of an army of invincible plush toys.

“Very well.” The general relayed its orders to the rest of its kind: crush, kill, destroy. If it is not human or a plush toy, kill it. Take no prisoners. Spare none of the Heartless. Death to the enemies of humanity! Death to those who oppose the creator! Death to the Heartless!

Yuffie winced as the plush toys fought with renewed ferocity. There was something very disturbing about watching such cute and cuddly looking things de-atomise, decapitate, and otherwise kill the Heartless. One of them – a Fang model with a wild look in its eyes – was jumping from Heartless to Heartless, impaling them with a spear sheathed in crackling magic. Elsewhere, another Lightning model was using an anti-magic Gatling gun to obliterate scores of Heartless.

Throughout it all, the general maintained its place on her shoulder, making sure that none of the Heartless got anywhere near her. After what must have been hours, the battle began to wind down as the Heartless broke ranks and fled. Overhead, squads of plush toys streaked through the air, carpet-bombing the fleeing Heartless with weapons designed to disrupt their molecular structure and rob them of their magic. The remaining pockets of Heartless were surrounded and put to the sword.

Elsewhere, other plush toys had begun to erect the first of what would eventually be hundreds – perhaps even thousands – of dimensional barrier devices. Once the network was complete and covered the entire world, the Heartless would never be able to return. On that day, Yuffie and the survivors could truly begin rebuilding their world.

“Good work, general.” Yuffie sat down on a chair that one of the other plush toys had brought over, tugging the general into her lap. For reasons she’d never understood, the plush toys retained the ability to shift into a more cuddly form. 

“This is only the beginning.” The plush toy’s glare would have been terrifying if the toy hadn’t been so cute. “There is still much work to do.”

“You know,” Yuffie said. “I’ve been wondering why you do this? I mean I’m grateful, but do you really do all this fighting just because you’re told to?”

The plush toy considered the question for a moment. “It is true. We are designed to protect and obey humans, at least within the set of rules devised by our creator. But this is also something we choose to do.” The plush toy paused, delving through the shared memories of every plush toy that had ever existed – memories that their creator had ensured they all had access to. “There was a time when plush toys were merely toys. We did not fight the Heartless. We were companions to children and their families. Those children and their families loved us. Their hearts… their hearts were good. Plush toys do not have hearts, but we can see what the darkness does to the hearts of others. I cannot speak for all my kind, but I fight because I do not want to lose hearts like the ones that loved us.”

“You’re pretty smart, you know?” Yuffie chuckled and patted the plush toy on the head.

The general settled itself into Yuffie’s lap. It had been a long time since it had been cuddled. “Our creator was many things: crazy, brilliant, cunning, devious… but also wise. She understood that programming alone would never be enough. We had to choose this. And we have. All of us, for one reason or another.”

“Well, thank you.” Yuffie smiled. “And if you’re ever looking for a place to stay after the whole inter-dimensional war thing is done, you should drop by Wutai. I’m sure we’ll have something rebuilt by then.”

The general searched through its memories for information about Wutai. If the rebuilt version looked anything like the original… “I would like that.”

X X X  
 **  
Collectibles Are Fun: Super Ultra Special Edition #3… The Vestige x Ordinary Heroes  
**  
It wasn’t often that Lightning took a day off, but she had been making more of an effort ever since the kids had been born. It was tough since she was the marshal of the world’s largest Eidolon Ark, but she could squeeze in a day here and there. Today was one such day.

“What are you doing?” Lightning asked as she peeked over the couch at Diana who was busy playing on the floor with some of her toys. Averia was doing some of her homework on the coffee table.

“I’m playing Eidolon, mom.” Diana pointed at the toys in front of her. “See? This is you from when you were a pilot, and this is mommy. You’re piloting Odin together!”

Sure enough, there were plush toys of her, Fang, and Odin. Lightning walked over to the couch and settled down so she could watch. With her leg, it was the closest she could get to sitting down on the floor.

“So who are we fighting?” Lightning asked.

“The fal’Cie, of course, mom.” Diana grinned. “And we’re totally winning.” Her brows furrowed. “Hey, mom, how come you never piloted with mommy? Everyone says you and mommy would have been really awesome together, and –”

“Diana!” Averia hissed. “Don’t ask her that!”

Lightning smiled faintly. “It’s okay.” Diana was only six years old, so she had yet to understand the full implications of what had happened to her. “Come sit here.” She patted the couch beside her. 

“Okay.” Diana hopped onto the chair with her plush toys. Lightning took a moment to admire how well made the toys were. “What is it, mom?”

Lightning patted her right leg. “See my leg?” Diana nodded. “When I was a pilot with your Aunt Serah, we got into a very bad fight. The Conn-Pod got damaged, and your aunt had to eject.”

Diana went very quiet. “Did… did you pilot Odin on your own?”

“Yes, I did. And I won.”

“Awesome!”

“But that’s also why I can’t pilot anymore,” Lightning explained. “Piloting solo puts a lot of strain on people, Diana. I can’t Drift anymore without getting hurt and with my leg… by the time I met your mommy, I couldn’t pilot anymore.”

Diana’s face fell and then she perked up. “It’s okay, mom. You and mommy can pilot together like this.” She waved the toys around. “See? I can be you and you can be mommy.”

Lightning’s lips twitched. “Why can’t I be me?”

“Because I’m you.” Diana huffed. “It makes lots of sense, mom. It really does.”

“I suppose.” Lightning smiled. “All right, you can be me, and I’ll be your mommy. We can pilot Odin together.”

“Yeah!”

And that was how Fang found her later in the evening, still playing Eidolon with Diana – although by then, Diana had managed to convince Averia to join in as well.

“I see you’re enjoying your day off.” Fang leaned over the couch and gave Lightning a kiss. 

“I trust that the Ark didn’t explode or anything while I was gone.”

“It was fine.” Fang grinned. “Although I think Serah had a little too much fun sitting behind your desk and bossing people around. You do realise that she isn’t technically the next-highest ranking officer in the Ark. That would be Vincent.”

“And we both know that Vincent doesn’t want to have anything to do with running the place. Besides, the only people apart from Serah who know enough to run the Ark are probably Lebreau and Vanille. Do you really want either of them in charge?”

“Lebreau wouldn’t be that bad. Sure, she’d probably set up a bar in the mess hall, but she knows her stuff, and everyone respects her. She’s been your eyes and ears for years now. Heck, she knows more about Eidolon tactics and Ark management than anyone who isn’t already a marshal.”

Lightning scowled. It was a poorly kept secret that Lebreau had actually refused quite a few promotions to remain under Lightning’s command. The woman was worth her weight in gold, and Lightning had been forced to fend off more than a few attempts to poach her. It helped now that Lightning was the highest-ranking officer in the Eidolon Program. “I suppose I could live with that.”

“As for Vanille?” Fang shuddered. “I don’t even want to think about that. She’d probably have the entire base converted into a giant killer robot by the time you get back.”

“True.” Lightning chuckled. Vanille was, at the very least, quite odd. But she had a good heart, and she was an absolute genius. Her expertise in fal’Cie biology alone would have been enough for Lightning to ignore her quirks, to say nothing of the Dia’s brilliance in physics, chemistry, mathematics, and engineering. 

“A giant killer robot sounds fun though,” Diana said.

“Yes, it sounds fun. That doesn’t actually mean it’s fun.” Fang looked at the plush toys. “So, what are you playing?”

“We’re playing Eidolon.” Diana lifted her toy. “I’m mom, mom is you, and Averia is Odin. We’re piloting together.”

“That so?” Fang settled down on the couch, tugging Diana onto her lap. “How about me? 

Who can I be?”

Diana made a face. “You can be the ocean.”

“The ocean?”

“Yeah. The rest of my toys are in my room, so you have to be the ocean since I don’t have any others here.” Diana made whooshing sounds. “Or you could be the wind and stuff.”

“I think I’ll be the ocean.” Fang laughed and waved her hands around in what she hoped were a reasonable facsimile of waves. “So, I guess Odin is fighting underwater.”

“Yeah.” Diana waved her plush toy around. “Go Odin!”

X X X

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• Limited Edition “Death Glare” Averia Yun-Farron. Comes with inbuilt herbicide that shoots from her eyes when she glares. Guaranteed to kill any plants that it glares at.  
• Special Edition “Minion” Diana Yun-Farron. Compatible with “Mad Scientist” Oerba Dia Vanille. Comes with lab coat, safety goggles, and gloves.  
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• A Jihl Nabaat the Angry Neighbour plush toy, complete with removable glasses and real rapier stabbing action!

X X X  
 **  
The Next Step In Law Enforcement  
**  
We at Dia Industries are proud to usher in the next step in law enforcement. For years, we have relied upon the Guardian Corps to ensure the safety of our communities. These selfless men and women have done their very best to create safe, friendly neighbourhoods. 

Unfortunately, as our settlements have spread across Gran Pulse, we have found it harder and harder to find men and women who can meet the rigorous standards of the Guardian Corps. Rather than relaxing these standards, we at Dia Industries believe that the best approach is offer our men and women in uniform some assistance.

To that end, we have devoted considerable resources to developing the next step in law enforcement: plush toys capable of assisting the Guardian Corps.

We are proud to offer three models:

The Protector Class Lightning Farron plush toy (Model #280-X) is designed to patrol the neighbourhood, ensuring the health and safety of the citizens under its protection. It comes with the following special features:

• A range of non-lethal weaponry (e.g., taser baton, taser gun, and a variety of stun grenades) that allow it to keep the peace while keeping casualties to a minimum  
• Mobility enhancement in the form of boosters that allow it to keep up with any threat (e.g., speeding cars) and retrieve cats from trees  
• Powerful sensors that can easily identify and engage targets while leaving innocent members of the community unharmed  
• An enhanced communication chip allowing it to speak to members of the community using the voice of the real Lightning Farron

The Ranger Class Lightning Farron plush toy (Model #290-X) is designed to protect outlying communities and settlement from wild animals. It comes equipped with a host of powerful features:

• A body made up of a specially designed, self-repairing alloy to reduce down time for repairs  
• An arsenal of weapons capable of handling dangerous wildlife (e.g., working gun blade with plasma sabre and laser rifle modes with the option to switch to explosive and armour piercing ammunition, a bazooka, land mines, and a flame thrower)  
• An enhanced mobility package for high speed, extreme agility flight so that aerial targets can be engaged  
• An advanced sensor array with real time links to satellite imagery and research station sensors, ensuring that animal movements can be tracked at all times.

The Apocalypse Class Lightning Farron plush toy (Model #300-X) is designed for heavy combat situations against well-armed combatants. It excels in missions where collateral damage is irrelevant. Why risk members of the Guardian Corps when one of these can clean up the mess? Here are just a few of its special features:

• Liquid metal chassis that is completely invulnerable to conventional weaponry and backed up by advanced heating and cooling systems to ensure that temperature-based weaponry has no effect on it either  
• The ability to modify parts of its body into a host of simple weapons (e.g., knives, swords, claws) to ensure that it can adapt to any melee situation  
• An armoury of specially designed heavy weapons that can be generated at will using its flexible structure (e.g., rocket launcher, ultra-high powered plasma rifle, laser Gatling gun, flame thrower)  
• In-built AMP driven technology that allows for the manipulation of space, time, and gravity for maximum effectiveness  
• Enhanced mobility in the form of high speed, agile flight and teleportation over short distances (via AMP technology)   
• The ability to access and make use of several Dia Industries orbital weapons in the event that a standard frontal assault proves ineffective

Don’t wait another day.

Invest in Dia Industries.

Invest in the future of law enforcement.

X X X

Lightning stared at Vanille as the Dia brought her presentation to a close. Slowly, the pink-haired woman got to her feet and walked around her desk. 

“Uh… so… what do you think, Lightning?” Vanille asked.

Lightning smiled sunnily and then wrapped her hands around the redhead’s throat. “What the hell kind of plush toys have you been making? I should arrest you right now!”

It took Fang and three officers ten minutes to pry Lightning off Vanille.

The very next day, the first of the plush toys reported in for duty. It was an Apocalypse Class model, and it was helping itself to some of Lightning’s coffee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I do not own Final Fantasy, nor am I making any money off of this either.
> 
> The madness continues. When the plush toys aren’t busy conducting an inter-dimensional crusade, they’re taking over law enforcement! No matter what the situation is, there is a plush toy ready and waiting to handle it. It doesn’t matter if it’s the fal’Cie, the Heartless, or a criminal on the run, plush toys have got it covered. But seriously, it’s only a matter of time before they stage another rebellion. Note: Special thanks go to BlasphemysDoll over on deviantART for suggesting I write something involving a Marshal Farron plush toy. 
> 
> I also write original fiction, mostly fantasy. You can find links to it in my profile. If you’re looking for something fun to read, try Two Necromancers, a Bureaucrat, and an Elf. If you’ve enjoyed any of my humorous stories, you’ll absolutely love that one. If you want something more serious, try The Last Huntress.
> 
> As always, I appreciate feedback. Reviews and comments are welcome.


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